Ahhhhhh insomnia, thought art a festering boil on the arse of decency.
So, I wrote a post on my main blog page a little while ago about the fact that I often feel better the day after an insomniac filled night. I hold with that all though now I know why it’s a little crappy, anyway back on point. On Monday evening I had a horrendous night and as a beautiful (sarcasm) side effect I slept through my many alarms for THREE FUCKING HOURS and my son missed his school trip. It was horrendous, I felt like the worst parent to walk the earth. He was happy because he didn’t want to go but I spent the day flogging myself and dealing with questions about my mental health and if I needed extra support or if I was coping.
See that’s one of the many perks (sarcasm 2.0) about being a known sufferer of the bad brain, no one can accept that sometimes it’s just life. No crisis, no break down just shitty fucking luck. Anyhow after that happened on Tuesday morning, I’m not risking it happening again today so I’ve just simply gotten up and I’m organising my bedroom and doing the washing because at least that way I know I’ll be up fit the school run. See it doesn’t matter how I get him there just as long as I do (SARCASM)
So, I published my blog today on mental health ‘cures’ and it was a lot of fun to do and to shoot but the reason I went for something so light-hearted today it’s because Father’s Day.
It can be quite difficult for me. I haven’t seen my dad (to speak to at least) since I was 11 so that is now 24 years ago. The last time I saw him was at my little sister’s wedding but that was from a distance and I have no desire to go up to him. It’s difficult because of the abuse and then neglect and the wilful ignorance of what was happening but it’s also difficult because there is a hole in my heart where the father, I wish I had been. I still remember reading To Kill a Mockingbird and wishing that Atticus was my father. But it’s not all doom and gloom today and the blog really helped and I’ve got a lot of exciting plans and projects coming up in the near future the medium future and the long future so yeah bit of a strange one today.
Today I feel like running. I want to walk bare foot into adventure and magic. I want to feel earth between my toes and rain on my skin. I want to run to the forest, dive off a cliff, climb a mountain but I am doing none of these things I am sat holding in tears and swallowing down sobs. I am wanting to hide from the world I want to adventure in. I am paradoxical and simple. I’m broken in new places and old. I simply want to taste viscous freedom drip on my tongue and be one with myself.
Today’s been a weird one, I’ve been having a lot of nosebleeds recently (yay summer) and I’m kinda feeling exhausted and by kinda I mean IM FEELING EXHAUSTED LINDA, GET OFF MY BACK…
Also, I’ve not been sleeping amazingly, so my mood has had more peaks and troughs than a very peaky trough-y thing and I appear to have landed on weary and teary
I’ve gotten some editing on my manuscript done, yay me, I’ve got video editing go (who is she?!) and I even cleaned my room – well I started, there’s many organised piles that I understand and that as long as they remain undisturbed … oh wait, my son just came in. Well, there go the piles and my sanity