Don’t you be rolling your eyes at me queen…
I don’t care what your excuses are, how bad you may or may not have fucked up, or what horrendous shit has happened in your life.
I don’t care if you believe that deep down you are a teeming black ball of Venom type shit.
I don’t care if you think that you deserved it or it probably wasn’t what you are thinking and you should have done or said something.
I don’t care if all of this is going over your head right now and you are assuming that I can’t possibly be talking about you, because you are the only one who truly knows what you are and what you have done and if anyone else found out they would run for the fucking hills quicker than the roadrunner escaping the questionable skills of the Wiley Coyote.
I never used to think I mattered and not just in a casual, ‘Laissez faire, I haven’t given it much thought’ way. Oh no – I ‘d given it thought, all the shitting thought, actually. And I’d come to the hard and fast conclusion that deep down, truly, I meant nothing. Zero value.
“But why would you think such a thing?” I hear you cry. Well, mate, I’mma tell you as for why – it was a core belief.
What’s a ‘Core Belief’ when it’s at home?!
Core beliefs are basically like your personality blueprint or the foundation on which you build your life, they are often subconscious and deeply rooted. They colour everything in your life – your ideas about yourself, your friends, family, life, the world, that weird guy Al that lives down the road… you name it. Everything is seen through the eyes of your core beliefs.
You could be chilling with your bezzy down by the river when a Mallard swims by (as Mallard’s are want to do) and your friend looks at Malcolm the Mallard and thinks to herself, “I love how the sunlight dances off of Malcolm’s glorious green head and makes him look like an emperor, bejeweled in a crown emerald.” But you – who is looking AT THE EXACT SAME DUCK – might think, “Oh for fuck sake, that shifty git Malcolm’s back. I hate that leery prick – always giving me the side eye.”
The result being your friend sits calmly with a zen like peace and a gentle smile on her face, while you stand up and shout, “WHAT’S YOUR ANGLE YOU WEBBED FOOTED BREADY PERV!” while throwing half a Ploughman’s at poor Malcolm, who, lets be honest, doesn’t have an angle because, well… because Malcolm’s a duck.
Harmful core beliefs lead to negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, whereas rational core beliefs lead to balanced reactions.– TherapistAid
Key Facts About Core Beliefs
- You are not born with a pre-made set of Core belief’s, they are learnt.
- Core beliefs will feel incredibly true but that doesn’t mean they are.
- They tend to develop during formative times, so early childhood for example or trauma inducing life events at any age
- If something goes against a Core belief your brain will normally dismiss it i.e. Your friend can tell you there is no such thing as the ‘Mallard Agenda’ til she’s blue in the face, you’re not gonna listen – especially since you’re sure you saw a book called ‘Malcolm’s Manifesto’ peeking out of a wing last week…
- For the most part Core beliefs are firm and stay with you BUT the good news is, you can change them.
I’m not gonna sugar coat it, the reason so many people go through their lives with unfaltering Core belief’s is because they are pervasive and breaking into Christina Aguilera’s place, using a soggy fish finger for a lock pick while screaming, “You peaked with Genie in a Bottle!” without getting caught is about the same difficulty level as changing them. BUT IT CAN BE DONE -The Core belief thing, not the unwarrented and unlawful B&E on Queen Christina, who, frankly, hits a new peak every time she blinks.
I know it can be done, because I have done it. I’m proof.
So lets go back to the start shall we? You Matter. And if you are dismissing this out of hand, rolling your eyes or having any other visceral reaction – I’d like to remind you of this –
“Core beliefs will feel incredibly true but that doesn’t mean they are.”
Now ask yourself, wouldn’t you prefer to feel worthy? Because you are. You have worth. If that feels too much right now, or maybe selfish because Core beliefs don’t have to be rational to be true to you, then consider it from a different angle. Maybe for you it’s important to model self love for your kid, so they don’t develop similiar core beliefs about themselves, maybe you want to be able to look at the river without waiting for Malcolm to ruin everything again, or maybe you want to attract the right kind of people into your life. Whatever the reason if it gets you to challenge the negative Core belief that ‘You don’t matter’ then grab it with both hands and don’t let go.8
For me it was all of the above, well except the duck thing, honestly all my best friends are Mallards… I also had to believe it could get better after I hit rock bottom in a hospital bed after self harming so badly the doctors couldn’t believe I hadn’t caused permanent, life altering damage. And thus began my nine year (and counting) dance with recovery.
And with a shit tonne of therapy and them good head meds, plus a healthy sprinkling of support from a tight knit circle, I have gotten to a place where I can say, “You know what Linda?! That’s not going to work for me because I have a say in this AND I MATTER”
OK, maybe I wouldn’t say that out loud (at least not to Linda) but I have taken them Bambi steps into the sunshine of self worth. Well, I’m sitting under the canopy of a beautiful Oak and admiring the sun of self worth because I burn easily and I care enough about myself now to practice some self-care.
So, one more time for the people in the back.
And remember just because this work is up to you – it doesn’t mean you have to do it alone
Until next time,
Be kind to yourself – you’re worth it
P.S. If you want to learn more about Core beliefs and how you can begin the work to change them, I’ve popped some links below that might help:
Core Belief Info Sheet – Care in Hand
What Are Core Beliefs and How Do They Affect Your Health? – PsychCentral
A Blueprint for Believing You Are Enough – No Side Bar
Identifying and Challenging Core Beliefs: 12 Helpful Worksheets – Positive Psychology
*I AM IN NO WAY SPONSORED OR AFFILIATED WITH THESE COMPANIES, NOR HAVE I BEEN ASKED TO SHARE THEIR CONTENT – I SIMPLY FOUND THEM USEFUL AND HOPE YOU WILL TOO.