Let’s get personal…

So you wanna know the day to day of my brain, well here you go but be warned – it barely makes sense to me…

Well it’s 2:30am on 24th August and I am wide awake which can only mean one thing, my good friend insomnia is back, I didn’t miss her. Today’s been a little weird, its been my first full day back at my laptop since having time off and I feel like I just face planted into work and my life in general – not in a mental breakdown way just in a, ‘wait…hold on, is this still a thing?’ kinda way. So, its been a day of adjustments and the summer holidays are still raging here in the UK, so its another two weeks of trying to juggle my kid, my brain, my dreams and the DWP. The aim is to build a career… nay a life for my son and I, one that makes sense for me and my boy, one that works not just around but with my mental health, one that means I don’t have to depend on the changing tides of the governments empathy to the chronically ill – one that I can be proud of.

In other news, Miles and I rescued a baby pigeon today – it had been abandoned by its parents and couldn’t fly, so my gorgeous boy carried the chick a mile to our nearest wildlife rescue and we will see how they are doing in a couple of days. Oh and I’ve recently found I’ve become slightly obsessed with eating ice…not sure what that’s about, I used to do it from time to time to ground me when I felt a dissociative episode coming on but the past couple of weeks I’m craving it, I’m sure that’s completely fine and normal.

Anyway I’m going to use my insomnia to get things done, see if I can’t catch up a bit.

Ahhhhhh insomnia, thought art a festering boil on the arse of decency.

So, I wrote a post on my main blog page a little while ago about the fact that I often feel better the day after an insomniac filled night. I hold with that all though now I know why it’s a little crappy, anyway back on point. On Monday evening I had a horrendous night and as a beautiful (sarcasm) side effect I slept through my many alarms for THREE FUCKING HOURS and my son missed his school trip. It was horrendous, I felt like the worst parent to walk the earth. He was happy because he didn’t want to go but I spent the day flogging myself and dealing with questions about my mental health and if I needed extra support or if I was coping.

See that’s one of the many perks (sarcasm 2.0) about being a know sufferer of the bad brain, no one can accept that sometimes it’s just life. No crisis, no break down just shitty fucking luck. Anyhow after that happened on Tuesday morning I’m not risking it happening again today so I’ve just simply gotten up and I’m organising my bedroom and doing the washing because at least that way I know I’ll be up fit the school run. See it doesn’t matter how I get him there just as long as I do (SARCASM)

So I published my blog today on mental health ‘cures’ and it was a lot of fun to do and to shoot but the reason I went for something so lighthearted today it’s because Father’s Day.

It can be quite difficult for me. I haven’t seen my dad (to speak to at least) since I was 11 so that is now 24 years ago. The last time I saw him was at my little sisters wedding but that was from a distance and I have no desire to go up to him. It’s difficult because of the abuse and then neglect and the wilful ignorance of what was happening but it’s also difficult because there is a hole in my heart where the father I wish I had isn’t. I still remember reading to kill a Mockingbird and wishing that Atticus was my father. But it’s not all doom and gloom today and the blog really helped and I’ve got a lot of exciting plans and projects coming up in the near future the medium future and the long future so yeah bit of a strange one today.

Today I feel like running. I want to walk bare foot into adventure and magic. I want to feel earth between my toes and rain on my skin. I want to run to the forest, dive off a cliff, climb a mountain but I am doing none of these things I am sat holding in tears and swallowing down sobs. I am wanting to hide from the world I want to adventure in. I am paradoxical and simple. I’m broken in new places and old. I simply want to taste viscous freedom drip on my tongue and be one with myself.

Today’s been a weird one, I’ve been having a lot of nosebleeds recently (yay summer) and I’m kinda feeling exhausted and by kinda I mean IM FEELING EXHAUSTED LINDA, GET OFF MY BACK…

Also I’ve not been sleeping amazingly, so my mood has had more peaks and troughs than a very peaky troughy thing and I appear to have landed on weary and teary

I’ve gotten some editing on my manuscript done, yay me, I’ve got video editing go (who is she?!) and I even cleaned my room – well I started, there’s many organised piles that I understand and that as long as they remain undisturbed … oh wait, my son just came in. Well there go the piles and my sanity

%d bloggers like this: